“To know yourself is the most fundamental Truth of life, it is the ultimate experience of your eternity, of your immortality, of your beginningless, endless existence. In the moment you know yourself you know everything. In the moment you know yourself you are home and you are the most beautiful being under heaven.” – Anonymous
Sometimes I like to do tarot card, or rune readings. I choose the cards intuitively. I feel like by doing this, I am accessing an alternate part of my consciousness. A different point of view than the one in my immediate frame of mind. A different perspective. I have different decks, because different decks give you different possibilities. Today I chose to pull some cards from my Angel Dreams deck. I was hoping to get some direction to help me become more productive, to tap into my creative potential, because I feel like I’ve been wasting my days lately.
Well, the overwhelmingly obvious response from the cards was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear. The very clear message was simply REST. Give yourself a freaking break! Look inwards and be honest with yourself! And, to be honest, I have more than enough to handle right now, without adding some big creative project to the load.
We often expect too much from ourselves. We are not often able to admit, or accept what we are really capable of handling at one time. Even on the path to enlightenment, we can beat ourselves up for not becoming enlightened fast enough!
Currently, I am involved in a law suite, resulting from a car accident I was in a couple of years ago. I have been fighting with myself, and doing everything in my power, to keep from focusing on that law suite, because I didn’t want it to take over my life. I wanted to keep going on with my life, and remain positive, but I was fighting to disregard my own feelings! Everything in my being is telling me to focus on it, is saying that right now, being involved in a law suite, the result of which could impact the rest of my life, is more than enough to handle, and is worthy of my focus! Just that I need to focus positively on this situation, on what I can do to contribute to the realization of a positive outcome.
Fighting against this impulse has accomplished nothing. I haven’t been able to simply carry on with my life, nor have I been able to take proactive action towards a positive outcome. I have been struggling in limbo, and let me tell you, it is exhausting fighting yourself! And what have I been doing about that? Beating myself up for being exhausted! Because that’s helpful! (Sarcasm alert)
If I need to lay in bed till 11am, then I’ll lay in bed till 11am. If my greatest urge right now, is to wrap myself up in blankets and listen to music, then I should honor that.
Just do whatever it is I am moved to do, at this moment.
But that’s too simple!
No more trying to force myself to be diligent about my physio exercises, despite pain and exhaustion, because I wasn’t succeeding anyways, at anything other than making myself feel guilty for not doing them all.
No more telling myself that since I am not working, and I have all this time on my hands, I should be accomplishing something brilliant like writing a novel or composing a symphony or some shit, because I have enough on my plate with a law suite and learning to manage and live with chronic pain, walking my dog every day, and you know, taking care of myself.
No more telling myself I am a waste because I am not doing something productive, or spectacular, or winning a pulitzer, because I am enough, just as I am.
Being me is enough.
And maybe, just maybe, when I stop fighting myself, I will get through this law suite a more enlightened person, and maybe I will find I have the urge to do more than curl up in a blanket fort, and maybe, by just being me, by following my strongest urges, the things that everything in my being is screaming at me to do, the things that I don’t have to beat myself up or cajole myself to do, then maybe I will find my purpose. Maybe when I give myself permission to follow my heart, and when I start to trust it’s direction, it will lead me somewhere beautiful…
Or maybe I’ll just have a really great time in that blanket fort.